Note 4

  I used to obsess and fantasize about getting back together with my old friends before I became friends with Amy. Although I stopped being friends with them when I was around 12, the memories of being with them are all rose-coloured. I was hardcore Daisy Buchanan'ing these people.

I kept thinking that if I could just become friends with them again. Just make up with them. Just apologise for ditching them for Amy. That everything would be okay again.

I missed them like mad.

But they weren't smart enough for me. They were boring. So I left.

This is my blog and I am being honest. Although my words drip with narcissism they are true.

Maybe those girls were what it felt like to have real friends. Those people who you would call your 'best friends forever' in a completely cheesy way. I want friends who I can talk to and share overly personal information with and not be judged.

No one is perfect enough for me.

Note 3

  I feel like I am actually insane.

What am I even saying?

All the words I say are just the essence of craziness.

I'm the hugest fucking nutcase in the world.

If I told anyone how I really felt they'd just lock me up and drug me or whatever.

I feel like if I ever was actually faced with the scenario that I would have to have medicine for being insane I wouldn't want to because it would make me sort of.. not me anymore? My brain wouldn't be controlled completely by me. That is terrifying.

Of course, I do not need medication because I am not crazy.

 what am i saying 

this whole post is completely contradictory

Note 2

  For some reason I keep avoiding other people. I think that I feel that if I'm not around them I won't be hurt or disappointed.

Every time I'm around Amy I start shaking when I think about the boredom she reminds me of. It's winter so she just thinks I'm shivering. Additional 'wow, it's so cold's added for extra insurance.

Maybe if I don't talk to people and change my everyday routine I won't be bored anymore.

Note 1

  This blog is sort of a log of my life I guess? I like to keep a track of these things. I mean- I completely praise myself on my mental stability so this blog is nothing to do with the fact that I feel like a piece of shit- nope. No way, hose.

Despite the fact that I know marinating in problems that exist only in my head and that are completely irrelevant to real life is bad for my health I am going to do it anyway. Because I feel like it. Because I just don't care.

I guess I have this weird sort of complex in my mind where I'm terrified of being narcissistic. Doing an amateur psycho-analysis of myself I would assume it was because of my dearest darling 'friend', Amy's, influence on me when I was in primary school. I don't exactly remember any instances but I'm pretty sure she told me I was greedy and full of myself a lot of the time due to her family-related issues which made her feel resentment towards me and the things I had which she didn't.

I probably have been fed propaganda for years that I haven't even thought about that has lead me to where I am now. Which is on the border of a mental breakdown.

The thing is, all of the different problems and things I worry about within my mind are all linked. They're like a puzzle specifically catered to exploit my weaknesses and use my strengths against me. Problems made in such a way that I can not possibly get any help from anyone.

The more I mull over intense issues and morals the more intelligent I feel I become. Yet, I feel my quest for intelligence has somehow backfired. Like, I'm just withdrawing more and more from people trying to achieve this unattainable perfection.